Frenemies: How to Show Kindness When It’s Hard

I was working in a public school at some point and was the new guy.  I didn’t have any friends or connections there yet, so when I wasn’t focusing on building relationships with teenagers, I tried being friendly and conversing with some of the other staff. 

Through coaching and volunteering some of my extra time outside of my regular hours, I began building some connections to a few staff members.  Now, my purpose for working at the school, other than financial, was to build positive relationships with kids in order to gain their trust and gain the opportunity to speak truth and life into their lives.  So I went hard at doing just that.

Months later, through some unfortunate circumstances I realized that a handful of the teachers that I thought I had a decent relationship with were actually talking about me behind my back.  They hated the way I played around with the kids.  They hated that the kids were trying to get to my classroom to talk to me.  They hated that my presence in the hallways created more work for them because their students were gathering around to chat with me.  They hated that I didn’t raise my voice and fuss at the kids like they were in the habit of doing.

They commented about me to one another.  They spoke things loud enough for students to overhear, sometimes making snide remarks directly to the students.  But while around me; nothing.  They’d chat, smile, and act like everything was great.  The kicker, in my mind was that a couple of these adults were publicly claiming to be Christian while acting just as immature as the students they lead, though they’d never see or admit it.

We’ve all dealt with people who act like your friend but are actually tearing you down behind your back. It’s not easy, especially when they’re classmates, coworkers, or even people you see at church. They might smile at you one minute and gossip about you the next. So, how do you respond when someone is unkind?

It’s tempting to respond with anger or avoid them altogether. But as followers of Christ, we’re called to something bigger.

Jesus doesn’t just tell us to deal with our frenemies; He tells us to love them. It’s not easy, but that’s the path He set for us. Let’s talk about how we can do that, both practically and biblically.

What the Bible Says About Difficult People

The Bible doesn’t shy away from tough relationships. In fact, it addresses them head-on. Jesus didn’t sugarcoat things when He talked about how we should treat people who aren’t kind to us. He knew we would face people who would hurt, criticize, or mistreat us. But He gave us clear instructions on how to respond, and they go completely against what feels natural.

In Matthew 5:44-45, Jesus says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.” This isn’t just a nice suggestion; it’s a command. Loving your enemies? Praying for people who hurt you? It sounds impossible sometimes, but that’s exactly what Jesus calls us to do.

And then in Luke 6:28, Jesus takes it even further, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” That’s radical, right? Instead of responding with anger, we’re told to respond with blessings. It’s like telling us to give the exact opposite of what we’re feeling.

The Apostle Paul echoes these commands in Romans 12:17-18, where he writes, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Notice the part where he says, “as far as it depends on you.” Sometimes it’s not up to us how others act, but we’re still responsible for how we respond. And Paul reminds us to keep our actions in line with peace, even when the people around us are stirring up conflict.

These verses aren’t just good advice—they’re direct commands from Scripture. They challenge our natural instincts. It feels so much easier to hold a grudge or strike back when someone is unkind. But God is asking us to go a different way.

Why Does This Matter?

Responding to unkindness with kindness isn’t about letting people get away with bad behavior. It’s not about excusing their actions or pretending that what they did doesn’t matter. It’s about showing them something bigger than ourselves: it’s about showing them what Jesus looks like.

When we choose kindness instead of retaliation, we’re reflecting God’s love and grace. This isn’t always easy, but it’s what we’ve been called to do. In Romans 5:8, we read, “God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God didn’t wait for us to clean ourselves up or start behaving better before He loved us. He loved us even when we were at our worst.

That same grace that God showed us is the grace we’re called to share with others, even with those who hurt us. It’s about extending the same love and forgiveness that we’ve received, even when people don’t deserve it. And let’s be honest—sometimes, it’s the hardest thing to do. But in doing so, we become a living example of the grace of God. We point people to Him, showing that His love and mercy are more powerful than our natural desire for revenge or bitterness.

So why does it matter? Because when we act in grace, we reflect Christ. And it’s through that grace that lives can be changed—not just the lives of those who have wronged us, but our own hearts as well. Showing kindness to those who don’t deserve it isn’t just a challenge; it’s an opportunity to let God work in and through us.

Practical Ways to Deal with Frenemies

Dealing with difficult people, or "frenemies," can test our patience and challenge our faith. We live in a world where gossip, meanness, and unkind behavior are unfortunately common. But as disciples of Christ, we’re called to respond differently. The Bible gives us clear guidance on how to handle these situations without compromising our integrity or losing our peace. Here are some practical steps, rooted in Scripture, that can help us navigate these tough relationships while maintaining a strong biblical worldview.

1. Guard Your Heart, But Don’t Harden It

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Our hearts are the source of our actions, thoughts, and emotions. So, it’s crucial to protect ourselves from emotional harm caused by toxic people or situations. However, guarding your heart doesn’t mean shutting it down entirely. It’s about setting healthy boundaries and not allowing bitterness or resentment to take root.

When dealing with frenemies, it’s important to limit your exposure to negativity without completely closing yourself off. Ephesians 4:31-32 reminds us to “get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Protect your peace, but keep your heart soft so God can work in you and through you.

Tip: Set boundaries with toxic people. This could mean reducing the amount of time you spend with them or limiting how much access they have to your emotions. But don’t let that turn into building walls of resentment. Instead, pray for God to help you guard your heart while keeping it open to His love and grace.

2. Don’t Gossip Back

It’s tempting to fight fire with fire, especially when someone has said something unkind about you. But the Bible is clear: gossip and negativity should not be a part of our speech. Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” Responding with gossip or unkind words will only escalate the situation and damage your witness.

Instead of returning evil for evil, speak words that encourage and edify. This is a key part of living out a biblical worldview and practicing discipleship—responding in a way that reflects Christ’s love, not the world’s patterns of behavior.

Tip: When you feel the urge to vent or gossip, take a step back and turn to God in prayer. You can also journal your feelings, pouring them out before God. This helps you process your emotions without letting them spill out in harmful ways.

3. Pray for Them (Yes, Really)

One of the hardest things to do when someone has hurt you is to pray for them. But Jesus commands it. In Matthew 5:44, He says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Prayer is not just for our benefit; it changes us and allows God to work in the hearts of those we pray for. When we pray for our frenemies, it’s hard to hold onto anger or resentment. Instead, we begin to see them through God’s eyes, and our hearts soften.

Praying for others is an act of obedience and trust in God. It acknowledges that He is the one who can change hearts, not us. It also helps us extend grace to others, as God has extended grace to us.

Tip: Keep a prayer journal, and write down the names of those who have hurt you. Ask God to soften their hearts and to help you see them with compassion. This isn’t about excusing their behavior, but about trusting God to handle the situation.

4. Speak the Truth in Love

Being kind doesn’t mean being a doormat. If someone crosses a line or is treating you unfairly, it’s important to speak up. However, we are called to do so with love. Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speak the truth in love.” Addressing an issue doesn’t need to be harsh or confrontational. It can be done with grace, honesty, and respect.

If someone’s behavior is hurtful or inappropriate, calmly and privately express how their actions have affected you. Use “I” statements rather than blaming or accusing them. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always rude to me,” you might say, “I feel hurt when you say things like that.” This keeps the conversation focused on your feelings and opens the door for a more productive dialogue.

Tip: When a confrontation is necessary, approach it prayerfully. Ask God for the right words and the right timing. Speaking the truth in love doesn’t mean avoiding tough conversations; it means having them in a way that is honoring to both God and the other person.

5. Live with Integrity

Your actions speak louder than words, and the way you live your life will often contradict the gossip and negativity of others. 1 Peter 3:16 says, “Keep a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.” When you live with integrity, others see the example of Christ in you, and it becomes harder for them to justify their actions against you.

Living with integrity means staying true to your values and your faith, no matter how others behave. It’s not always easy, but it’s a powerful witness. When we choose to live above reproach, we show the world that our identity is in Christ, not in how others treat us.

Tip: Focus on your relationship with God. As you stay faithful in your walk with Him, you’ll naturally begin to respond to others in ways that reflect His love and grace. This consistent, Christ-like behavior will speak louder than any words of gossip or negativity.

6. Forgive, Even When It’s Hard

Forgiveness is one of the most challenging, yet necessary, things we can do. Colossians 3:13 says, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” This is a high calling. God forgave us while we were still sinners, and He asks us to extend that same forgiveness to others, even when they don’t deserve it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget what happened or that we excuse the wrong behavior. It means letting go of the need for revenge and trusting God to handle the situation.

Forgiveness frees us from bitterness and allows us to live in peace. It’s an act of obedience to God, and it reflects the grace He has shown us.

Tip: When you feel bitterness creeping in, meditate on God’s forgiveness toward you. Remind yourself of how much He has forgiven you, and ask Him to help you extend that same grace to others.

7. Let God Handle It

Romans 12:19 reminds us, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” God is the ultimate judge, and it’s not our job to “fix” people or seek revenge for wrongs done to us. We can trust that God sees what’s happening and that He will take care of it in His perfect timing.

Instead of trying to control the situation, surrender it to God. Trust that He is in control and that He will bring justice when the time is right. This is a key part of living out a biblical worldview—acknowledging that God is the one who ultimately handles all things.

Tip: When you’re struggling with someone’s behavior, let it go. Pray, “Lord, I trust You to handle this. I release my right to seek revenge and give it to You.” This allows you to move forward in peace, knowing God will take care of the rest.

New To The Force

Mike had always known that becoming a police officer would be challenging, but nothing could have prepared him for his first assignment. He was a rookie cop, freshly out of the academy, and he had been assigned to work in one of the toughest communities in the city—an area known for drug activity, prostitution, and high crime rates. Most of the officers in the precinct avoided the area, choosing instead to focus on easier assignments. But Mike had a different mindset. He had come to the force not just to enforce the law, but to make a difference.

Mike was a man of faith, a disciple of Jesus, and he saw his job as more than just catching criminals. He wanted to build relationships, even with the people others considered hopeless. He decided that, instead of using fear and force to control the community, he would approach people with kindness and respect, even if they were repeat offenders. He believed that showing them love and understanding might give them a chance to change.

It wasn’t easy. His first few months were filled with arrests, uncomfortable encounters, and pushback from the community. But instead of becoming hardened or resentful, Mike took a different approach. When he had to arrest someone for the fifth time, he didn’t yell or threaten. He spoke calmly, respectfully, and listened when they spoke. When a woman caught in prostitution confessed her struggles with addiction, Mike didn’t mock or belittle her; he offered her resources for help. He learned names, built rapport, and kept an open heart.

However, his approach did not go unnoticed by his colleagues. The other officers, with their tough, no-nonsense approach, were frustrated by Mike. They believed the criminals needed to fear them, not see them as friends. They scoffed at Mike’s attempts to engage with the community, dismissing it as “soft” policing. They believed that the only way to reduce crime was to assert dominance and make sure everyone knew they were the law.

For Mike, the isolation grew more intense as time went on. The other officers mocked him behind his back, making sarcastic comments when he wasn’t around. In the locker room, they would joke about his “buddy system” with criminals, rolling their eyes when Mike would share a story about helping someone get back on their feet. They weren’t interested in his perspective, and Mike couldn’t change their minds. It was painful, but he knew he had to stay true to his calling, even if it meant standing alone.

Over time, though, something unexpected happened. The crime rate in Mike’s community began to drop. Recidivism rates fell, and more people started turning their lives around. Mike’s approach, although unconventional, was working. He wasn’t just arresting people; he was helping them find hope. He was a presence in the community—not as a symbol of authority to be feared, but as someone who cared. Senior leadership took notice, and Mike was recognized for his efforts. His work in the community was making a measurable difference.

Despite the accolades, Mike’s relationship with his colleagues didn’t improve. The officers continued to see him as a joke, a man who didn’t understand how the world worked. They saw him as weak, too soft for the job. And Mike knew, deep down, that he would never fully be accepted by them. Their approach to policing was too different from his. They weren’t willing to budge, and he couldn’t change who he was.

One evening, after a particularly difficult day, Mike sat alone in his car, reflecting on his journey. He thought about the relationships he’d built with people in the community—how he’d seen lives transformed. He thought about how, despite everything, he had managed to stay kind and compassionate. It wasn’t always easy, but he had followed the example of Christ. He had guarded his heart, even when the other officers mocked him. He hadn’t responded with anger or gossip, but had instead prayed for those who misunderstood him. He had spoken the truth in love, gently but firmly, and had lived with integrity, knowing that his actions would speak louder than words. He had forgiven those who had ridiculed him, and he had trusted God to handle the rest.

Mike realized that the key to it all was forgiveness and love. He couldn’t control how others acted, but he could control how he responded. He remembered Romans 12:19, which said, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Mike knew that, although the other officers would never accept him, God had called him to respond with grace, not retaliation.

In that moment, Mike made peace with the fact that he would never be part of the “in” crowd. The other officers would always see him as different. But Mike had a different purpose. He was there to be a disciple of Christ, to reflect His love in a dark place. And that was enough.

The next day, as Mike walked into the precinct, he didn’t expect the approval of his colleagues. But when he caught sight of a familiar face in the hallway—someone he had helped off the streets months ago—he smiled. The man nodded at him, a silent acknowledgment of the change he had made. That moment was all Mike needed to know he was doing the right thing.

He wasn’t going to win any popularity contests. But he had won something far more important: the chance to be a light in a dark place, to show a better way, and to reflect the love of Christ even when no one else understood. And in the end, that was the kind of success that mattered.

A Final Word

Dealing with frenemies is never easy. But as believers, we’re called to be different. We’re meant to reflect Christ in the way we treat others, even when they don’t deserve it.

The next time you encounter someone unkind, take a deep breath. Remember, this is an opportunity to shine God’s light. Your response can point them—and others—to the One who loved us when we were at our worst.

So let’s rise to the challenge. Kindness, fueled by grace, can change everything.